Different

I have debated writing this post for awhile, however, after some encouragement from some good friends, I have realized I need to put my feelings into words. I also feel the need to publicly thank everyone who supported me and my family and reminded me how a little bit of kindness can go a long way.

This post was supposed to be different, it was supposed to be happy, full of excitement and loads of possibilities. It was supposed to be my beautiful children announcing they were getting a new sibling, one of smiles and pure joy. Our Christmas baby that Sadie was sure going to be that baby sister she desperately wants along with the anticipation of a unforgettable holiday season. 

Unfortunately, that post is now this post, one of heartache and loss, but with a glimmer of hope and eternal understanding. April 7th is a special day for me, it is the birthday of the little girl I placed for adoption ten years ago. To see that story click HERE. This year it was extra special because I found out I was pregnant. We were on cloud nine, excited and consumed with all the typical pregnancy thoughts. When am I due? Will it be a boy or girl? Baby names. How to announce the pregnancy. Nursery ideas. 

I called my OB the following Monday and went in for some blood and lab work and everything was perfect. We decided to announce the pregnancy when I was about 14 weeks along and I had everything planned out for it. We had planned on not telling Sadie for a little bit, but she overheard me talking about it and was so excited. In late April, I started to having cramping and bleeding and went to my OB to see what was going on. The news we had prayed wouldnt come, the words we didnt want to hear, the situation we didnt want to be happening was happening. I was having a miscarriage and there was nothing we could about it. The heartbreak was instant, the frustration and questions of why were overwhelming. The pain of losing a child along with all the dreams and hopes you had for them cannot be accurately described. It is amazing how you can become so attached to something so little, someone you haven't seen or held in your arms. 

Telling Sadie was the most difficult thing I have done as a parent. There were no words to make her understand or ease her sadness. She kept saying she didn't understand and kept questioning why the baby wasn't coming at Christmas and could the baby just come later? The love she had for this tiny being was enormous and losing it was crushing. 

The next week was difficult, full of more medical problems due to the miscarriage, tears, sadness, anger and frustration. It was also filled with love, hope and kindness. My neighbors and friends stepped up and I was constantly overwhelmed with meals dropped off, flowers left on the doorstep, phone calls, emails, text messages and FB messages. I couldn't believe the outpouring of love and support. Saying thank you does not seem sufficient. I have been blessed with the best friends, neighbors and ward.

It still continues to be a battle, especially when everyone else seems to be pregnant. Its hard thinking we would have been announcing the pregnancy this week, and finding out if it was a boy or girl in a couple weeks. Its hard when Sadie sees a new baby or a pregnant lady and will squeeze my hand and whisper "I still wish we had our baby." I just have to whisper back, "someday, Sadie, someday."

Above all, I am grateful for the three kids I have had. I am grateful my first one is where she is supposed to be and I was able to be part of the beautiful process of adoption. I am grateful for Sadie and Brigham. I am grateful for the opportunity to be a mom when so many women cant. I haven't always been the best mom and parenting doesn't come easily or naturally to me, but I have learned especially in the past year that I need to follow my instincts and be patient and everything will turn out fine. I look at Sadie and Brig together and my heart is full. I hope that one day I will be able to see more kids in the mix of Sadie and Brigham, see Sadie with a baby sister and Brigham with a little brother. 

I was sent this picture from a good friend during the miscarriage and I think it is perfect.

I am grateful for the tiny spirit who although didn't stay long, will forever be in my heart.